Soapbox: Don’t be that person

I’m in a weird mood. I won’t even pretend that the events of the past 24 hours didn’t spur this post, and that yeah, I’ve got some unexplored anger running around in my head. But it’s stuff that I have wondered about before, or rather-I’ve wondered about the people who do any of the following things I’m about to go off about. So, while I don’t think that I’m completely “off” in this, I will admit to the fact that it may seem a bit “off-putting” and random.

Online Etiquette

I found out yesterday that one of my dearest friends had committed suicide. The awfulness of this moment was compounded by the fact that I found out on FaceBook before his mother could reach me. So, okay. I get that people want to pay tribute to someone on their FaceBook page. I did so myself, last night (after his mom told me it would be a comfort to read the things that his friends would write about him). But first? I spent an hour trying to make sense of this vague, ominous post that appeared on my friend’s wall. The longest, most tortuous hour of my life to date.

Because here’s the thing: the person that posted the first “I can’t believe you’re gone…etc.” was an extended family member, not part of my friend’s immediate family (mom, wife, brother, etc.). And then when everyone else started asking “What is going on???” and “What happened???” out of the dread and panic spurred by this Wall post, that family member primly answered, “I don’t feel comfortable confirming anything without the permission of his immediate family.”

Oh, but you were comfortable being the first person to “break the news”? That’s not concern, that’s wanting to “be first.” It’s what sensationalists do, not caring family members. And yes, maybe it was done in a moment of grief and not thought out properly because of that, but there’s this “Delete” button for those moments on almost every major social networking page. If you’ve already started the ball rolling and can’t stop it, face up to the fact that you did it, contact the immediate family and let them know that you now have a lot of people asking questions and you need to know if/what the family is comfortable with you replying, now that the news it out. An apology probably wouldn’t be out of line, either.

And that brings me to another subtopic that has ALWAYS annoyed me, and is along the same line…

Sharing Good News Online

I LOVE finding out happy news from people and I don’t care if I find out online. But there’s this: If you find out from your best friend/sister-in-law/cousin/whomever just found out that they are pregnant, or engaged or discovered that they are having a girl or a boy, etc., because he/she told you in person, or email or in a text, it is NOT YOUR NEWS TO SHARE.

That is, unless you have explicit, clarified, double-checked permission from the person to whom the happy event is happening to. End of story. One of my friends finally got pregnant after 5 years of trying and told a mutual co-worker. She did not, in her moment of excitement say, “Please don’t say anything-I want to be the one to share the news,” because A) She didn’t even consider the possibility b/c she herself would never think to do something like that, and B) There wasn’t any time to go back and say that. This co-worker popped onto fb within minutes and posted “Congratulations! I can’t believe it finally happened! I’m so happy for you!”

Okay, so the co-worker did not actually specify what the “Congratulations” was for. And she was truly so excited for our friend. But as we all knew that my friend had been trying for so long to get pregnant, naturally we guessed immediately. My friend was going to tell everyone, of course, but the point here is: she didn’t get to be the one to share the most exciting and important thing that had ever happened to her, even though she used to dream about the day that she would be able to announce such happy news.

Bottom line: just wait.

Whether it’s good news or sad news, it is not going to kill you to wait for the people involved to make the first tweet, post the first Wall post, email the first announcement, etc. And if you choose NOT to wait, no one is going to think admirably, “Wow, s/he’s really part of the inner circle if s/he knows this before anyone else.” Nope. What any respectful, non-insecure, adult is going to think is, “Wow. Announcing that wasn’t your job. You must really need attention…badly.”

So there’s my rant. I’m not judging anyone who has ever done this sort of thing. We’ve all done thoughtless stuff before. I get that. But if you knew, deep down, that you wanted “to be first”, then please take a better look at what you are not getting enough of in your life. And if you’ve done it but never realized how it affects others-you were just so excited, or grief-stricken or whatever and you made a bad call-let it go. But I hope reading this makes you think. That’s all.

*I feel it’s necessary to add that I sent a tweet about my friend’s death yesterday (after talking to his mom). Most of you know this. So in light of that, this post might seem contradictory. But let me clarify: I chose a social media outlet where nobody (except for one person-my brother-and I called him first) even knew of this person, or, if he/she did-they were someone that I had received permission to give information to privately upon inquiry. I was feeling beyond devasted and it was the fastest and most efficient way to let my extended group of friends know that I was not going to be my normal self for a little while…so that they would understand.

Whoa…Heavy Shit, Mang.

I’m not a fan of life giving you what you need. I don’t like it all. I don’t want the lessons, I don’t want to deal with the self-reflection, and I really hate the part where I get socked upside the head with the realization of how much of I don’t like about my life is my own doing. That part makes me want to stick dull needles in my eyeballs.

So, yeah. This was about the worst “Spring Break” I’ve ever had. I’m talking just plain shitty in about every way you can think of. A family member in the hospital, in all likelihood dying. Trips I was really looking forward to after an exhausting and unfulfilling school year cancelled, rebooked, and then cancelled again. Finding out that I have some serious repairs that need to be done to my house before I can put it on the market. Then throw in my part in all of this: My tendency to pull inward and do a bang-up job of pretending that I’m fine when, in reality, I’m barely holding it together. Being frustrated because my friends aren’t psychics or mind-readers and rushing in to tell me everything is going to be okay. Having trigger-finger reactions to inocuous statements because I overthink everything. Fast-forward to profound self-loathing, guilt and disappointment stemming from all of the above.

Blech.

But spending time with someone you love, albeit have a complicated relationship with, who is dying, and then spending a few days with yourself and you only-avoiding social networks (the best distraction from your own life ever invented), not going out, etc., definitely knocks some perspective into your…well, perspective. Even when you really don’t want it to. I realized that I have a lot to be grateful for- (I really hate that word, btw, because it sounds so…I don’t know-wussy and Rama Ding Dong New-Age-y/”Inspiration”-section-of-the-bookstore-y. But it’s the most accurate, I suppose) my family and friends being at the top of that list, for so many reasons, putting up with me just being one of them, lol.

I’m still not completely sure what realizations I’ve had, or if indeed I’m going to learn anything from them. <insert the “not a fan of life lessons” statement from earlier> I do know that the “just plain shitty” Spring Break has given me some things to think about; things that I’m thinking will hopefully make me a better friend, a happier girl, and, in general, a more genuine person. And at thirty-five years in, it’s probably about time to start figuring out who this Renée chick is, yeah?

#best09 2. Restaurant Moment

This moment also took place in NYC this summer. My brother, Mark, and his wife, Michelle and I were walking around Brooklyn looking for apartment “open houses” because they were planning to move from Queens in the fall. It was a gorgeous, sunny and cool day and we walked. And walked. And walked. Eventually we realized that we were starving, so we started looking for places to eat. I wanted to sit outside, Michelle required a salad and Mark was “just HUNGRY-I don’t care as long as it’s in the next 5 minutes!” Okay, then.

We wandered the restaurants, looking at their menus trying to figure out where to go. Finally, Michelle and I saw a restaurant called “S’nice”. We crossed the street, read the menu, saw the outdoor seating and called Mark over. As we’re waiting in line, I hear Mark sotto voce, “WHAT is this place?” I turn around, all innocence and smiles and say, “What do you mean?” He responds, “Okay. If the menu has ‘chicken’ and ‘pork’ in quotation marks, something is up. C’moooonnn, Renee, I just want meat. Not tofu, not “fake meat” or TRP or whatever you call it (TVP, for the record). Just a normal, every day freakin’ burger. Geez…”

Funny part was, I hadn’t even noticed that it was a vegan restaurant. Just thought it was “veggie-friendly”. I was like, “Look. I’ll get my food to go and we’ll find somewhere else. Not a problem.” Mark, at this point was like, “Forget it. I just wanted to bitch. We’re already here.”

Food was awesome, with the exception of me putting hot sauce on my tempeh reuban and it dumped out all over the place. I had to use paper towel to dab up excess. Then, as we were eating, Mark tried to spear something “foreign” (his words) in his salad with his fork (ended up being a pecan) and it shot up and hit me directly in right eye. In sudden pain and partially blinded, I’m like, “Hand me a napkin!” Mark and Michelle are in hysterics but trying to laugh silently (because I couldn’t see them very well at this point) so I’m reaching around for a napkin. Feel one. Rub my eyes. Howl in pain. It is paper towel covered with hot sauce from sandwich mop-up.

Neither of them were able to keep their hysterics quiet at this point and they end up laughing so hard at me (but trying not to) that they’re gasping and in tears themselves. Server comes up and asks if we enjoyed our meal and if we’re going to be there much longer. She said it was because there were people waiting for a table. Riiiiiiiiight…

Pics from our walk thru Brooklyn, lunch and finally, Mark getting his obscenely huge burger for dinner that night in Times Square.

#best09 1. New York, New York: “Holden Invasion”

By far, my trip to NYC in July was the best trip that I took this year. My brother Eric, his wife Heléne and my nieces Lauréne and Valentine were visiting from France. It was also the first time I’ve been to NYC and I stayed in Queens with my little brother, Mark and his wife, Michelle. I spent my daytimes wandering around, learning the transit system and getting delightfully lost (yes, I know it’s a grid, but I wasn’t always in the city proper, so there).

While the city itself is amazing, the part that made the trip so special was getting to spend time with these awesome people…that just happen to be my family. My dad was married and had two boys in France before he married my mom, hence the “French Connection.” I rarely get to spend time with the fam from across the pond. In fact, I had only met them on two occasions before this trip. As Mark and I grew up with mostly my mom’s side of the family, and my dad died when we were very young, it blew my mind how alike Mark, myself and Eric are in spite of our age differences, cultural differences and respective upbringings. Truly like finding a “long lost brother”. Our senses of humor, which are an exquisite blend of the ridiculous, pointed sarcasm, OCD tendencies and sheer bawdiness, was the best discovery about this crazy “Famille de Holden”.   Throw in the language barrier (Valentine never learned English and Mark never learned French, but they absolutely adore “talking” to each other, which was a constant source of amusément to the rest of us) and I’m surprised that we all didn’t get admitted to the hospital for either choking or hernias from laughing so hard.

I will always remember walking to Central Park from their hotel and wandering around looking for the perfect place to just sit and chat in the sunshine until our dinner reservation. Lauréne takes after her mother and kind of just happily goes along with the flow. Mark’s wife, Michelle, is like my mom and figured out long ago that it’s just easier to roll her eyes and be able to give the “I told you so,” look after we ended up 30 minutes later in the part of the park that she suggested. Like my mom, she chose to marry into this family, so she only gets 2 votes in these matters. Holdens get 6 each by default. It’s just the way that it is. If you’re friends with me, you should probably be aware of this (if you haven’t already figured it out).

Mark, myself, Eric and Valentine are picky-ass artsy-fartsy “need the perfect setting”, loudly opinionated and stubborn people, on the other hand, and made everyone else keep walking and walking until we could all agree on “a good spot” (Michelle’s earlier suggestion). We spent the rest of the afternoon talking, having to lay down from laughing so hard and having to “hit the ground” quickly in order to not get hit by one of the 8 million frisbees that seem to be the Central Park accessory of choice in the summer.

New York is a great place and I look forward to my trip in a few weeks, but it wouldn’t have mattered if we had been in the Utah desert.* That’s how much I love these people.

#best09

*For the record, I have an unexplained and unshakeable abhorration of deserts.

www.bradboard.com

One of my favorite “time-wasters” on the internet (and okay, yes, that is in fact a redundant phrase; I’m aware) is www.bradboard.com. It’s a site that lists top songs of the 70′s, 80′s, and 90′s according to the owner of the site, Brad. They are not necessarily the songs that were the “top hits” according to Billboard or any other big list-ers, just what was actually playing on the radio, as well as just truly good (and, yeah, in some cases, not so good) songs that came out in a particular year (that may not have shown up anywhere other than college radio). It’s a mixed tape of pop, alternative, grunge, punk, new-wave, r&b, rap-pretty much every genre is represented with the exception of the 3 million indie bands that were around in those decades.

I always find myself saying, “I totally forgot about that song!” and then find myself zooming back through time to a particular moment of my “formative” years. Songs and scents have particularly strong abilities to do this to me, which is why it is good that you cannot not (yet) send scents via the web. Else I’d lose that much more time…(Sorry…tangent)

Anyway, go check it out and let me know what surprises you find and where they send you to in your memories…I’d love to hear about it!