Whoa…Heavy Shit, Mang.

I’m not a fan of life giving you what you need. I don’t like it all. I don’t want the lessons, I don’t want to deal with the self-reflection, and I really hate the part where I get socked upside the head with the realization of how much of I don’t like about my life is my own doing. That part makes me want to stick dull needles in my eyeballs.

So, yeah. This was about the worst “Spring Break” I’ve ever had. I’m talking just plain shitty in about every way you can think of. A family member in the hospital, in all likelihood dying. Trips I was really looking forward to after an exhausting and unfulfilling school year cancelled, rebooked, and then cancelled again. Finding out that I have some serious repairs that need to be done to my house before I can put it on the market. Then throw in my part in all of this: My tendency to pull inward and do a bang-up job of pretending that I’m fine when, in reality, I’m barely holding it together. Being frustrated because my friends aren’t psychics or mind-readers and rushing in to tell me everything is going to be okay. Having trigger-finger reactions to inocuous statements because I overthink everything. Fast-forward to profound self-loathing, guilt and disappointment stemming from all of the above.

Blech.

But spending time with someone you love, albeit have a complicated relationship with, who is dying, and then spending a few days with yourself and you only-avoiding social networks (the best distraction from your own life ever invented), not going out, etc., definitely knocks some perspective into your…well, perspective. Even when you really don’t want it to. I realized that I have a lot to be grateful for- (I really hate that word, btw, because it sounds so…I don’t know-wussy and Rama Ding Dong New-Age-y/”Inspiration”-section-of-the-bookstore-y. But it’s the most accurate, I suppose) my family and friends being at the top of that list, for so many reasons, putting up with me just being one of them, lol.

I’m still not completely sure what realizations I’ve had, or if indeed I’m going to learn anything from them. <insert the “not a fan of life lessons” statement from earlier> I do know that the “just plain shitty” Spring Break has given me some things to think about; things that I’m thinking will hopefully make me a better friend, a happier girl, and, in general, a more genuine person. And at thirty-five years in, it’s probably about time to start figuring out who this Renée chick is, yeah?