Soapbox: Don’t be that person

I’m in a weird mood. I won’t even pretend that the events of the past 24 hours didn’t spur this post, and that yeah, I’ve got some unexplored anger running around in my head. But it’s stuff that I have wondered about before, or rather-I’ve wondered about the people who do any of the following things I’m about to go off about. So, while I don’t think that I’m completely “off” in this, I will admit to the fact that it may seem a bit “off-putting” and random.

Online Etiquette

I found out yesterday that one of my dearest friends had committed suicide. The awfulness of this moment was compounded by the fact that I found out on FaceBook before his mother could reach me. So, okay. I get that people want to pay tribute to someone on their FaceBook page. I did so myself, last night (after his mom told me it would be a comfort to read the things that his friends would write about him). But first? I spent an hour trying to make sense of this vague, ominous post that appeared on my friend’s wall. The longest, most tortuous hour of my life to date.

Because here’s the thing: the person that posted the first “I can’t believe you’re gone…etc.” was an extended family member, not part of my friend’s immediate family (mom, wife, brother, etc.). And then when everyone else started asking “What is going on???” and “What happened???” out of the dread and panic spurred by this Wall post, that family member primly answered, “I don’t feel comfortable confirming anything without the permission of his immediate family.”

Oh, but you were comfortable being the first person to “break the news”? That’s not concern, that’s wanting to “be first.” It’s what sensationalists do, not caring family members. And yes, maybe it was done in a moment of grief and not thought out properly because of that, but there’s this “Delete” button for those moments on almost every major social networking page. If you’ve already started the ball rolling and can’t stop it, face up to the fact that you did it, contact the immediate family and let them know that you now have a lot of people asking questions and you need to know if/what the family is comfortable with you replying, now that the news it out. An apology probably wouldn’t be out of line, either.

And that brings me to another subtopic that has ALWAYS annoyed me, and is along the same line…

Sharing Good News Online

I LOVE finding out happy news from people and I don’t care if I find out online. But there’s this: If you find out from your best friend/sister-in-law/cousin/whomever just found out that they are pregnant, or engaged or discovered that they are having a girl or a boy, etc., because he/she told you in person, or email or in a text, it is NOT YOUR NEWS TO SHARE.

That is, unless you have explicit, clarified, double-checked permission from the person to whom the happy event is happening to. End of story. One of my friends finally got pregnant after 5 years of trying and told a mutual co-worker. She did not, in her moment of excitement say, “Please don’t say anything-I want to be the one to share the news,” because A) She didn’t even consider the possibility b/c she herself would never think to do something like that, and B) There wasn’t any time to go back and say that. This co-worker popped onto fb within minutes and posted “Congratulations! I can’t believe it finally happened! I’m so happy for you!”

Okay, so the co-worker did not actually specify what the “Congratulations” was for. And she was truly so excited for our friend. But as we all knew that my friend had been trying for so long to get pregnant, naturally we guessed immediately. My friend was going to tell everyone, of course, but the point here is: she didn’t get to be the one to share the most exciting and important thing that had ever happened to her, even though she used to dream about the day that she would be able to announce such happy news.

Bottom line: just wait.

Whether it’s good news or sad news, it is not going to kill you to wait for the people involved to make the first tweet, post the first Wall post, email the first announcement, etc. And if you choose NOT to wait, no one is going to think admirably, “Wow, s/he’s really part of the inner circle if s/he knows this before anyone else.” Nope. What any respectful, non-insecure, adult is going to think is, “Wow. Announcing that wasn’t your job. You must really need attention…badly.”

So there’s my rant. I’m not judging anyone who has ever done this sort of thing. We’ve all done thoughtless stuff before. I get that. But if you knew, deep down, that you wanted “to be first”, then please take a better look at what you are not getting enough of in your life. And if you’ve done it but never realized how it affects others-you were just so excited, or grief-stricken or whatever and you made a bad call-let it go. But I hope reading this makes you think. That’s all.

*I feel it’s necessary to add that I sent a tweet about my friend’s death yesterday (after talking to his mom). Most of you know this. So in light of that, this post might seem contradictory. But let me clarify: I chose a social media outlet where nobody (except for one person-my brother-and I called him first) even knew of this person, or, if he/she did-they were someone that I had received permission to give information to privately upon inquiry. I was feeling beyond devasted and it was the fastest and most efficient way to let my extended group of friends know that I was not going to be my normal self for a little while…so that they would understand.

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